Recently my best friend gave me a journal and wrote "...you have always embraced life and lived it to the fullest- keep embracing it! Keep dancing!". The past few weeks I have forgotten what is to embrace and what is to dance. I've never had to stop and figure out life...yes, a few rough bumps, but never rendered totally speechless. Never this depth of silence from God, never free falling into a pain so deep that I'm still not sure I've touched the bottom. More than anything I want to go back. Back to "before". Death marks. It causes people to "tip toe" away, allow "space", meet the practical, but run from the pain emanating from those left behind. It is a matter of respect...a chamber that only the grieving can enter. It consumes...it takes you to a place of darkness you never knew existed. It seduces those left behind. The conversations unspoken, the embraces now empty, the phone that no longer rings, the void in family gatherings and photos. Losing mom stopped my dance mid-step.
God and I were doing all right. He was leading and I was following. The trip that I returned from a little over 3 months ago changed my frame of reference. I could see and hear Him so clearly...I had experienced His love for our team and His love for the nations. Less than a month later my frame of reference changed...He was now my Shepherd as I walked through the valley of death. I arrived on the other side of the valley only to realize that I was standing at the foot of the mountain of loss. As I stare up at the mountain I feel like I am in the middle of the dance floor...so many songs swirling, dancers each with their own routine and the steps that were once second nature I have no confidence to take. Trusting God, serving, simple conversations, being real, finding the right words at the right time, cultivating relationships, celebrating and finding joy in the midst of pain. The silence of God is so scary...yet I realize in that silence He has spoken to the darkest corner of my heart. He understands the loss of separation...He understands a pain so deep there are no words. When my pain hurt the most He knew the response was to just sit in silence with me. Yesterday I woke up and could feel His presence...not because I've read the right verse or prayed the right prayer...He was just undeniably there. I needed that. I needed the weeks of silence so I could be overwhelmed by the sweetness of Him. Last night during worship He asked me to dance again..."Never Let Go" by Matthew Redman...a few steps of the sweet worship I experienced "before".
Learning to dance will take time. He is teaching me that is okay. I will still have seasons of silence. The healing process is just beginning. Yet in those times I know He is there...and I know that He is choreographing a depth and beauty only realized through pain.
Lamentations 3: 25-26 "The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him. It is good that He waits silently for the salvation of the Lord."
7 comments:
Angel, this is beautifully well done. Thank you for being brave. Love you sister!
Your blog is so sweet. Sweet times with God and you...even though it has been hard. You WILL dance again like I said...keep on going honey...even if I have to drag you out on the dance floor. Ha! I love you so much my little angel! Miss you tons!
You'll dance again...it'll take time, but I know you'll make it and I pray every day that you do. Aside from that, you have a professional ballroom dancer to help you along the way at your service ;)
Angel that was so beautiful and made my heart so glad... you are SO strong. Love you!
Angel - Annie Laurie sent me this - I am a friend of hers. It is SO beautiful & so timely. I have had 3 losses in my life this week, so this was so very much on time. I'm going to forward it to my family too. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Angel, what a beautiful and perfect example of the incomparable, godly woman you are. There is no doubt you are going to walk out of this time of pain and grief an even stronger witness for our Lord. "God trusts those who will be shaped into world changers with pain." You have already been such a blessing to those around you. Your wisdom and faith carried me through some of the toughest times I've faced. You will dance again, and when you do, it won't be like "before" but like something you never thought possible. I love you and miss you dearly my sister in Christ.
WOW! I am so touched by your words, Angel! I can truly empathize with you. I have many days here in Arkansas that I feel exactly like that. Here I am living just 20 minutes from where my dad lived, but he is not there. Some days I feel cheated! A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on my deer stand in the woods (the same woods that I used to hunt with my dad in) and I missed him so much. He's been gone seven years now and in those seven years I've experienced some of the highlights of my life as a Christian, but I've also had some of the lonliest times of my life, as well. I hold on to this one truth - it's only temporary! The next time I see him will be forever! I Love You and I cannot begin to express how PROUD I am of you!!! Oh yeah, I've seen your sister dance (on that table, you know), so if you will be dancing like that - well, I think you know what I'm saying! LOL!
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